Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I deserve this hangover.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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