A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
