New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
