census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
