got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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