When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My vagina just recognized that song.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Randomize
