He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize