grandma shit on top of the toilet
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
