totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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