ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
This toilet bowl is my home.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
