Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
