after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
