why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm at about main and main street
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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