i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
