I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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