i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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