shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
