I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
