nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
