I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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