you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
