I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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