the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
