hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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