i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize