Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
