This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
