he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
