atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
