lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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