I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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