Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
