If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
All the doctor said was why
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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