I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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