Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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