I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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