If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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