wrigley field is MILF paradise
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
His hands were made for my vagina.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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