This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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