there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
