how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
