Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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