Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize