if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
