Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
