Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
