i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
