we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
