Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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