I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
