He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
