Your tits are I can't wait for
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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