At least make sure they are 18
Why
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize