Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Couch. On fire.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
