I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
