I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize