She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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