I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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