Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
